It’s hot in Caballo

Still smelling smoke from fires, thankfully not too close at this time.

We had a plan to celebrate a birthday on a mountain but fires close by may spoil our plan, I hope not as it is 20 degrees cooler up there.

My Colorado man still lives across the street, but I suspect his patience is growing short and will be off soon for cooler climes, maybe the same mountain that is burning now in cloud craft. It looks like a great place to spend the summer, I thought this before he came here, I’d like to move up there for a summer month at least,, but what about my garden!! I guess I’ll let it ride, see what’s next in this drama called life.

At this time of my life I want no drama just enjoyment, no games that confuse or cause me to question how I ‘ve managed my life so far, Is a relationship that raises those concerns healthy?

The boring love life of one woman in her 80th year, not always so boring these days!

I enjoy Colorado man’s company , He was looking for a new place to live out of the cold and I am la pesuña, an added benefit. I have to take care of my heart, would it be broken if he left still looking for something he hasn’t found here? He’s hot and cold sometimes I’m sure he has love for me and then other times I’m just a “dear lady” he happens to know? It will be hard seeing him go, but he is free to seek whatever he needs,, no obligations to each other yet, we’ve only known each other for three months commuting back and across the street. It’s been interesting and a little frustrating but quite fun!

I admit to feeling unsure, and I hate feeling this way, I NEED to ignore those feelings of insecurity and just be myself and just say fuckit and get on with living as I always have not needing anyone to complete me but open to new experiences and love. True love is not easy to find at any stage of life, for me it seemed unlikely but sometimes the impossible is right in front of us, I need to open my eyes and heart and let myself accept love whether it’s for today or forever as we know it.

I hope love is what I’ve found, but I’m feeling cautious today, because this is the first day we haven’t spoken and yesterday had a peculiar feel to it. That made me wonder what’s going on in his mind, maybe I don’t want to know, maybe he’ll tell me tomorrow, or maybe not. Maybe he just wants a friend with privileges, nothing wrong with that but then what about love,where is the love? Maybe that’s all I want too, but I don’t think sex is all I need from this relationship, that need is easy to satisfy, love not required.

No head games allowed, we agreed on this recently, but I know myself and little things tend to grow in my mind and become monsters, I hate it, but Its hard to dismiss easily because you know what, sometimes I’m right!

Holy crap! Telling you of my deep insecurities so I can let them go! I think my blog is my therapy, much cheaper than professional help, and probably just As effective , so I close embarrassed to see what I have written here! Tomorrow is a fresh new day, excited to see what it brings and thankful to experience it.

q

4 thoughts on “It’s hot in Caballo

  1. A lot of thought in this email.. I wouldn’t dare to give you advice on this one.
    Give it a lot of thought.
    There, I did it.
    Love you
    Joan

    Liked by 1 person

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