it’s over, we loved for 3 months

It’s over, it wAs good, we loved each other for 3 months. I don’t regret any of the time spent together but it wasn’t working for so many reasons, none of which seemed insurmountable to me. We could have worked through them, but he’s taking what must be to him the easy way out and leaving me.

I guess his love for me was not too strong, that he would give up without even a discussion, well he would have but I insisted he had to talk to me, to tell me what happened , why , when…and his response is almost not worth telling, but tells me his love was superfluous, words only spoken not felt. I wish him the best and hope he gets his life together, when it does he’ll find another love, hopefully that lasts longer than 3 months. I wonder how long his other “loves” have lasted (except his marriage lasted some 20 years)

He has a complicated history. Which could explain some issues, I’m not judging him, he was too easy to love until he wasn’t, and yet I feel compassion and some broken fragments of love remain against my best judgment , I’d like to remain friends but I doubt he will bother to keep in touch , so sad, I’m so sad for him.

of course if I had written here yesterday while in distress this would not have been so understanding, I was pissed grande and deeply unhappy and the tone would have been very different. But I am an adult and can monitor my behavior after the fact if not before.

I was pretty happy before all this transpired maybe I’m just in love with the idea of loving again, of having a trusted and loving partner, I think I still have some time left at the couples site and may take another look, why not I don’t regret the time spent on it., I’m sad it’s over, really sad.sex was nice, really nice, cuddling was wonderful touch so important now I am having to go it all alone again, not so nice.

Sin mas

Don’t call me your girlfriend

I’m not your girl, haven’t been a “girl” for many years, I’m in my 80th year for gods sake, and girlfriend sounds silly to my ears.

“So what should I call you” he says.

I suggested partner, but this can be /is confusing as it can be used for male or female, I just say ‘my guy’ if asked, you could say my ‘lady friend’ ‘my gal” seems okay too. “mi mujer’ is used in Panama, but that always sounded like a possession to me, my woman.

So what do you think, how should One (me) be addressed in this day and age…..age important, maybe not too much

Don’t call me ‘your old lady ‘ and expect anything nice from me! I have called you a ‘weird old man’ but not out loud…..I don’t think so, Sorry.

I guess he could say ‘my woman ‘ with a smile and probably get a smile in return, or a grin o r maybe a smack across the head, depending on my mood, and circumstances of the moment and If I am present when the saying is said.

I’m not referring to anyone as my boyfriend …ever.

I’m thinking about a tattoo. My granddaughter has some beauties. Not sure where I’d put one, I have to consider gravity. What part on my body is least likely to sag? That rules out some choice spaces, will think on it.

Looks like we are in for some hot weather, means I’ll have to get up very early, 5am early to walk and water my plants and garden before the sun and the wind dries everything, even my petunias are struggling, so far the garden looks pretty good in the morning but by afternoon it’s all droopy fatigue until I can water again.

Well I expected to be asleep right now, it’s midnight, but it looks like my restless legs will keep me up for awhile, I’m eating pretzels dipped in Nutella, and if the legs keep me awake awhile longer I’ll clean the fridge.

We took a long ride up into the mountains on Wednesday. It was my guy’s birthday, so we celebrated by getting out of the heat for the day. What a beautiful place, no smoke, no wind and 80 degrees (it was 103 in Caballo.) the park was closed due to fire risk. We’d love to stay up there for the summer if we could, but we didn’t find many rv parks close to town. The town is very cute, small shops, I bought a tee shirt.

And I am nobodies girlfriend!

It’s hot in Caballo

Still smelling smoke from fires, thankfully not too close at this time.

We had a plan to celebrate a birthday on a mountain but fires close by may spoil our plan, I hope not as it is 20 degrees cooler up there.

My Colorado man still lives across the street, but I suspect his patience is growing short and will be off soon for cooler climes, maybe the same mountain that is burning now in cloud craft. It looks like a great place to spend the summer, I thought this before he came here, I’d like to move up there for a summer month at least,, but what about my garden!! I guess I’ll let it ride, see what’s next in this drama called life.

At this time of my life I want no drama just enjoyment, no games that confuse or cause me to question how I ‘ve managed my life so far, Is a relationship that raises those concerns healthy?

The boring love life of one woman in her 80th year, not always so boring these days!

I enjoy Colorado man’s company , He was looking for a new place to live out of the cold and I am la pesuña, an added benefit. I have to take care of my heart, would it be broken if he left still looking for something he hasn’t found here? He’s hot and cold sometimes I’m sure he has love for me and then other times I’m just a “dear lady” he happens to know? It will be hard seeing him go, but he is free to seek whatever he needs,, no obligations to each other yet, we’ve only known each other for three months commuting back and across the street. It’s been interesting and a little frustrating but quite fun!

I admit to feeling unsure, and I hate feeling this way, I NEED to ignore those feelings of insecurity and just be myself and just say fuckit and get on with living as I always have not needing anyone to complete me but open to new experiences and love. True love is not easy to find at any stage of life, for me it seemed unlikely but sometimes the impossible is right in front of us, I need to open my eyes and heart and let myself accept love whether it’s for today or forever as we know it.

I hope love is what I’ve found, but I’m feeling cautious today, because this is the first day we haven’t spoken and yesterday had a peculiar feel to it. That made me wonder what’s going on in his mind, maybe I don’t want to know, maybe he’ll tell me tomorrow, or maybe not. Maybe he just wants a friend with privileges, nothing wrong with that but then what about love,where is the love? Maybe that’s all I want too, but I don’t think sex is all I need from this relationship, that need is easy to satisfy, love not required.

No head games allowed, we agreed on this recently, but I know myself and little things tend to grow in my mind and become monsters, I hate it, but Its hard to dismiss easily because you know what, sometimes I’m right!

Holy crap! Telling you of my deep insecurities so I can let them go! I think my blog is my therapy, much cheaper than professional help, and probably just As effective , so I close embarrassed to see what I have written here! Tomorrow is a fresh new day, excited to see what it brings and thankful to experience it.

q