it’s over, we loved for 3 months

It’s over, it wAs good, we loved each other for 3 months. I don’t regret any of the time spent together but it wasn’t working for so many reasons, none of which seemed insurmountable to me. We could have worked through them, but he’s taking what must be to him the easy way out and leaving me.

I guess his love for me was not too strong, that he would give up without even a discussion, well he would have but I insisted he had to talk to me, to tell me what happened , why , when…and his response is almost not worth telling, but tells me his love was superfluous, words only spoken not felt. I wish him the best and hope he gets his life together, when it does he’ll find another love, hopefully that lasts longer than 3 months. I wonder how long his other “loves” have lasted (except his marriage lasted some 20 years)

He has a complicated history. Which could explain some issues, I’m not judging him, he was too easy to love until he wasn’t, and yet I feel compassion and some broken fragments of love remain against my best judgment , I’d like to remain friends but I doubt he will bother to keep in touch , so sad, I’m so sad for him.

of course if I had written here yesterday while in distress this would not have been so understanding, I was pissed grande and deeply unhappy and the tone would have been very different. But I am an adult and can monitor my behavior after the fact if not before.

I was pretty happy before all this transpired maybe I’m just in love with the idea of loving again, of having a trusted and loving partner, I think I still have some time left at the couples site and may take another look, why not I don’t regret the time spent on it., I’m sad it’s over, really sad.sex was nice, really nice, cuddling was wonderful touch so important now I am having to go it all alone again, not so nice.

Sin mas

Don’t call me your girlfriend

I’m not your girl, haven’t been a “girl” for many years, I’m in my 80th year for gods sake, and girlfriend sounds silly to my ears.

“So what should I call you” he says.

I suggested partner, but this can be /is confusing as it can be used for male or female, I just say ‘my guy’ if asked, you could say my ‘lady friend’ ‘my gal” seems okay too. “mi mujer’ is used in Panama, but that always sounded like a possession to me, my woman.

So what do you think, how should One (me) be addressed in this day and age…..age important, maybe not too much

Don’t call me ‘your old lady ‘ and expect anything nice from me! I have called you a ‘weird old man’ but not out loud…..I don’t think so, Sorry.

I guess he could say ‘my woman ‘ with a smile and probably get a smile in return, or a grin o r maybe a smack across the head, depending on my mood, and circumstances of the moment and If I am present when the saying is said.

I’m not referring to anyone as my boyfriend …ever.

I’m thinking about a tattoo. My granddaughter has some beauties. Not sure where I’d put one, I have to consider gravity. What part on my body is least likely to sag? That rules out some choice spaces, will think on it.

Looks like we are in for some hot weather, means I’ll have to get up very early, 5am early to walk and water my plants and garden before the sun and the wind dries everything, even my petunias are struggling, so far the garden looks pretty good in the morning but by afternoon it’s all droopy fatigue until I can water again.

Well I expected to be asleep right now, it’s midnight, but it looks like my restless legs will keep me up for awhile, I’m eating pretzels dipped in Nutella, and if the legs keep me awake awhile longer I’ll clean the fridge.

We took a long ride up into the mountains on Wednesday. It was my guy’s birthday, so we celebrated by getting out of the heat for the day. What a beautiful place, no smoke, no wind and 80 degrees (it was 103 in Caballo.) the park was closed due to fire risk. We’d love to stay up there for the summer if we could, but we didn’t find many rv parks close to town. The town is very cute, small shops, I bought a tee shirt.

And I am nobodies girlfriend!

It’s hot in Caballo

Still smelling smoke from fires, thankfully not too close at this time.

We had a plan to celebrate a birthday on a mountain but fires close by may spoil our plan, I hope not as it is 20 degrees cooler up there.

My Colorado man still lives across the street, but I suspect his patience is growing short and will be off soon for cooler climes, maybe the same mountain that is burning now in cloud craft. It looks like a great place to spend the summer, I thought this before he came here, I’d like to move up there for a summer month at least,, but what about my garden!! I guess I’ll let it ride, see what’s next in this drama called life.

At this time of my life I want no drama just enjoyment, no games that confuse or cause me to question how I ‘ve managed my life so far, Is a relationship that raises those concerns healthy?

The boring love life of one woman in her 80th year, not always so boring these days!

I enjoy Colorado man’s company , He was looking for a new place to live out of the cold and I am la pesuña, an added benefit. I have to take care of my heart, would it be broken if he left still looking for something he hasn’t found here? He’s hot and cold sometimes I’m sure he has love for me and then other times I’m just a “dear lady” he happens to know? It will be hard seeing him go, but he is free to seek whatever he needs,, no obligations to each other yet, we’ve only known each other for three months commuting back and across the street. It’s been interesting and a little frustrating but quite fun!

I admit to feeling unsure, and I hate feeling this way, I NEED to ignore those feelings of insecurity and just be myself and just say fuckit and get on with living as I always have not needing anyone to complete me but open to new experiences and love. True love is not easy to find at any stage of life, for me it seemed unlikely but sometimes the impossible is right in front of us, I need to open my eyes and heart and let myself accept love whether it’s for today or forever as we know it.

I hope love is what I’ve found, but I’m feeling cautious today, because this is the first day we haven’t spoken and yesterday had a peculiar feel to it. That made me wonder what’s going on in his mind, maybe I don’t want to know, maybe he’ll tell me tomorrow, or maybe not. Maybe he just wants a friend with privileges, nothing wrong with that but then what about love,where is the love? Maybe that’s all I want too, but I don’t think sex is all I need from this relationship, that need is easy to satisfy, love not required.

No head games allowed, we agreed on this recently, but I know myself and little things tend to grow in my mind and become monsters, I hate it, but Its hard to dismiss easily because you know what, sometimes I’m right!

Holy crap! Telling you of my deep insecurities so I can let them go! I think my blog is my therapy, much cheaper than professional help, and probably just As effective , so I close embarrassed to see what I have written here! Tomorrow is a fresh new day, excited to see what it brings and thankful to experience it.

q

Wind, Fire, Heat, Our Mother is Angry!

We have treated her so badly, when will we learn? is it too late?

For my grandchildren and great grands and the universe I hope we figure it out soon.

All is good here in Caballo, no close fires, but the air is full of allergens. Spring is here with all the blooming trees, yea, my eyes and nose for the first time ever are uncomfortable and weepy.

And the wind beats my plants and garden up. We have tried a few things, covering up with plastic sheeting wasn’t real successful, the wind tore it up, we just got another fabric-like stuff with clips and will try that next, when the wind drops later today, always hopeful.

Charley has been barking more than usual, that is troublesome. I hate to do this but he needs to learn not to bark when we get ready for a walk, the whole park knows when it’s time to go to the park which is when he is most noisy, so I got a bark collar from amazon made in China and the instructions are impossible to decifer, I hope JP can figure it out for me because it makes no sense! Only want to use it to teach him, I don’t want to scare him, wish me luck!

JP is still across the street, we’ve thought of so many ways to get him in here but I’m reluctant to go to her as I think she has some issues, she 84, and I could make it worse. Latest idea is to offer cash in advance, might try that!

Usually the wind is not so great until afternoon, so I get up early to clean my patio and water plants and garden, then the wind starts and undoes my work so I can get up early and do it all again the next morning. The exercise keeps me slim with sunswept dry skin, am using sunscreen but even my wrinkles are tan! We are eating almost only vegetables and berries and beer. So healthy, we want to live a long time!

And living very good for two old foggies living in separate but equal-ish spaces which we plan to keep as is, we both value our time and quiet space and like to choose when we want to spend time together, eat together, listen to music and cuddle.

Notice how many we’s are in here?

All Good!

WE

I heard myself say the other day,

we were doing something together and stopped mid sentence to smile, we have become a we! I love this man! We are so good together, but I won’t bore you with lovers details just some of the good stuff happening in GG., like my new cooking space!

I need to change the back splash but now I have more counter space and we’ll get that finished up easily, we love it! He loves to fix things, He he’s updated my electrical outlets, now I can cook more than one thing at a time without tripping anything and losing power, this is great and now I’ll learn to cook on this new cooktop whose indicators are unusual, and the instructions interesting, yes, made in China, nutrichef dual induction cooktop with a fry function,steam function and water function, all have 8 temperatures, how they actually differ will be investigated as I learn to use it.

That’s not all that’s happening with GG, my resined table looks great and stuff has been reorganized yet again, I love it, and Spring is finally here, the land is greening up, my garden and plants look good and all those seeds I’ve planted are starting to peak thru the soil. I’m hopeful! We’ve had some very strong winds recently and fires but thankfully so far we ve been lucky to just have our stuff tossed about, no fires close by.

I’m looking for sazón Goya con culantro y achiote. I don’t remember where I bought it but I added it to a dish that I took for Easter lunch and it turned out yummy , it gives the food a beautiful color, must get more, thought they’d have it at a store in Hatch but no, guess it’s not a Mexican food ingredient. Maybe Walmart, or Texas. We are eating so healthfully, purely vegetables fruit and fish, we want to live and enjoy life for a long time!… oh and vino!

Good stuff

Studio looks different, I’ll update soon, we’re going to add another loft on the other side to store art supplies.

My man still lives across the road, annoying situation but we manage to spend much of our time together and try not to wake anyone with our comings and goings. Still, annoying.

Ciao, having fun here!

It’s True, Life is Good

When I’m happy I find no time to write here, and I’ve been very happy, satified and content for the past month!

Not sure when that happened before!

I wasn’t sad or unhappy I just didn’t know better and then the happiness factor  kicked in with the arrival of my good friend and lover John Paul.  We are like two peas in a pod, we like the same music, read the same books, admire the same people and always respect each other’s memories. The heck with politics!

The fact that he still lives across the road is irritating but I still hope that Cj will come across for us, the fact that he is not already here is just plain stupid and she is not a stupid woman, a little difficult and not always kind but she is the owner and can do whatever serves her purpose.

We had been working…..no, John Paul (JP from now on here) has been working and fixing stuff that don’t work right or at all.  He fixed the lights outside in the patio, moves shelves in the studio for me to make it more pleasant to work in,  We replaced the table in GG so now we can sit and have a nice meal, the red resin looks great on the table, we had our first meal on it last night.

Our only plan is to  live this last decade having fun, and not let the world around us interfere too much in our lives.

He has a better bed than I do, and a better stove and an awning on his rig,and a beard and I have a better site, a studio, GG , Charley and a garden.

I cook on only one burner and my multipurpose oven.  We’ve planned a better kitchen set up for me, another burner, oh my, does that mean I’ll have to learn to cook?  I’ve had this great excuse for lazy cooking, I can only cook one thing at a time or blow a fuse.  He knows electric power limitations on RV’s and will probably solve that problem and then I’ll be able to produce a meal of more than one course!

He also gave me a great haircut, such a talented man.,

 

Live every day, have no regrets!

I slept in his bed!

And why is this noteworthy or even appropriate to share?

Because I am an insomniac. Sleep is hard won for me. That’s it, I’m not sharing any more but life is good for these two old folks living across the street from each other.

Today he fixed my speakers I was ready to toss, now good as new and quite a few things around here now actually work as advertised. I think I may has just won something bigger than the lottery, a friend and lover who can fix stuff, and who loves to do “stuff” and loves music and animals and me.

I’ll try to write of other stuff too!

For example I sold a piece of art last week for $425! I was shocked, didn’t remember I had anything at that price in the gallery. I don’t have photos of it but it was on a long wood piece like a totem, very colorful, I’d sent one like it to my grandson, I think I covered it in resin. I painted it a while ago, nice surprise! My peace painting is now in the window, I’m hopeful it will sell well, the price listed is $250.

I’m waiting for evenings to warm up so I can resin the table I’d taken out of the rv as now I’d like to be able to set a table inside. I’m afraid if I rush it the resin won’t set if it’s not warm enough. An unfinished project, and the leg needs replacement, but now I have help to fix it!

Delighted

Love my haircut thanks JP! we have matching ears!

Love in the 80’s

What does new love look like in your later years ?

Less ups and downs more smooth and easy moments, hmmm( I said moments not movements). More give and take, less fuss and bother. We have decisions to make, where to live, should I plant a garden or not, what about the studio, move it or sell it. Move into town or stay close by? The woman could expedite all that by simply letting JohnPaul stay here but that isn’t likely to happen so we need to make a plan. I think I’d like to move into town or closer to town so we could be more involved with community activities.

But the biggest decision is whether or not his political beliefs are going to be a huge issue for me, right now they are hard for me to hear or believe that this man is so sure about what he learns on the dark web. I don’t know if I can just ignore this His comments are just deplorable to me and I always ask his sources which he says he reads all kinds of stuff from many sources. So do I but I don’t find the same negative information about the government that he does. I’m sorry that this is such a big deal for me, but my family would be astonished to learn his beliefs and that I’d be ok with it We are all political whether we show it on the outside or not, it defines us in some way whether we like it or not!

So the real question becomes move and lose my good neighbors and the expenses related to a move and be close to him or not move at all? Possibly move later to see how the relationship grows here and wait for an opening here? I’m not sure how much it will cost to move the studio, how much the place we move to will cost us and I have a tax bill to pay . Don’t want to make an expensive decision wrong.

Help!